lately i’ve been feeling generally anxious. i think it has to do with the general wear and tear of life. i’ve not had a break in over a year and i’m starting to question pretty much everything i’m doing. do i really want to be a librarian? do i want to stick it out in the bay area for ever? is there anything else i can do to change things?

i think it’s all burnout from the cancer. i also think i’m still depressed which is making me not want to work at kalx or keep up with school, but i can’t really back out of it.

the hi-fives show this weekend has made things worse i think. for one thing, it’s made me realize my life hasn’t progressed much in 10 years. i’m still in northern california doing pretty much the same thing. yeah, i have a college degree and a job with health care and a life partner, but what else? i know i’ve discussed my personal angst with my lot in life in relation to the hi-fives on this blog before, so i won’t go into it again, but suffice to say- i’m a big nervous mess. most of my friends have moved on or out in some way, and i just moved from carmichael to berkeley. i still live within a mile of campus. i still work in the same job i had as a student. if i end up there for the next 30-40 years, something’s gone wrong.

things to focus on- i’ll be hanging out with friends like erika and pat from little type and mimi and elbert. i think i’m in a place where i don’t have to prove me love (thinly veiled sweet baby reference) for the hi-fives, rather enjoy myself and try to be a somewhat adult. i don’t have to act like i am a teenager any more because i’m not, but i shouldn’t be joyless either. i have my health, for what it’s worth, and a huge chip on my shoulder. if only i could shed that, too.