DEAR [KENDRA]: I have two adult sons living at home, ages 22 and 24. Both are working. I have recently retired, and my income has become half of what it was before. I told my sons that if they are to continue living here, they must pay room and board of $30 a week or find a place to live with the amenities they have here.
They are now ranting and raving and calling me a bad mother. Am I being unreasonable? I feel I have provided my sons with a good life, and it is now time for them to take some responsibility for their own support. It’s time to grow up. Am I wrong?
My oldest son says he refuses to help me pay my mortgage! I told him to either pay the $120 a month or try to find a cheaper place to live. Any thoughts on this? — STRESSED-OUT MOM, LAKE VIEW, N.Y.
dear s-o-m,
$30? more than reasonable. i’d say closer to $100. should you put up with your idle sons? not really, nor do you have to. i want to know how you let it get to this in the first place? are you a doormat or something? you’re doing them no favours by coddling them still, so knock it off!
i hope this helps.
DEAR [KENDRA]: My husband and I have been married four years. During that time we have had three children. Our youngest was born three months ago with various medical problems including heart defects, enlarged kidneys, hearing problems and Down syndrome.
To top it off, I have recently been diagnosed with cancer. I start radiation and chemo next month. I am stressed to say the least, and being intimate with my husband right now is at the bottom of my list of things I need to do.
My husband is having a problem understanding why I am not interested in sex. He takes it personally when I don’t accept his advances. I love him very much, and I’m grateful for everything he does for me and the kids, but right now I have no interest in sex. How can I get through to him without hurting his feelings? And how do I stop the advances so I don’t feel so guilty? — STRESSED IN WISCONSIN
dear s-i-w,
wow. three kids in four years and cancer? that’s enough to drive anybody crazy, let alone one of your kids having health issues. i totally understand that you’re not feeling very amorous right now. (just a warning, chemo will make libido even weaker.) it’s clear your and your husband like having lots of sex (big family, much?), but your husband should also be supportive of you. he needs to learn that he can’t be the center of the world and that perhaps your spoiled him much. will he be bummed? probably, but if he’s as wonderful as you say he is, he should be able to see that you are overwhelmed and some things can wait till you get better and life settles down. i’m not advocating you become one of those sexless couples, but you need to get healthy first and he needs to be there for you.
i hope this helps.
DEAR [KENDRA]: My wife and I recently attended a lovely party at a home with two baby grand pianos. One of the guests — I’ll call her “Sophie” — is an accomplished pianist, and she dearly wanted to sit down and play.
We encouraged her but she refused, stating that the host and hostess might not appreciate having their party interrupted. Should Sophie have asked permission, or would that have created undue pressure on the hostess? — DAVID IN CUPERTINO, CALIF.
dear d-i-c-c,
this “sophie” sounds like a polite guest, you and your wife sound slightly obnoxious. a piano sitting in the open (or even two) does not mean an open invitation to bang the keys. that’d be like saying, “the knife on the counter was an open invitation to stab somebody.” my parents’ have a piano, and i remember every holiday my uncle would start playing it loudly because it was there and people told him it was festive. it was loud and killed all conversation, dominating the entertainment for its whole duration. i assume if the hostess wanted sophie to play, she would have asked her. otherwise if you want to hear sophie play at a part, host your own.
i hope this helps.
