today is cesar chavez day, which means i don’t have to go to work. i came in any way to get some stuff taken care of before i go out next week, but i’m leaving soon to go to santa cruz with robojoe. i’ll be back in time for a show tonight, which i’m looking forward to making an ass of myself at. if i can’t still be annoying, then life’s not worth living.

so for now, how about some free advice? abby can you feel me?

DEAR [KENDRA]: I have lived with my best friend, “Lance,” for five years on and off. Lance is 30; I am 24. Lately we have been discussing marriage. The problem is, he is gay, and the marriage would be for convenience only. I am not in love with Lance, nor is he in love with me. He thinks this would be a good idea because of the financial benefits, tax breaks and the like.

I am a little hesitant because I still want the fairy tale. I want the little house with its white picket fence and kids running around in the yard. We have discussed children, and we know it’s possible to have them without having to have sex. What is your opinion? — UNDECIDED IN NEW MEXICO

dear undecided,

don’t marry lance. he’s gay. if he’s going to marry anybody, it should be another gay man, but as it is that can’t happen. ignoring that fact, you state you don’t love him. then why marry him? you want a proper marriage with love and white picket fences? then find a guy who is on the same page. a guy who likes men and wants tax breaks doesn’t sound like that.

of course you could marry him if you want lots of horrible stories and you want to resent him in a the near future.

i hope this helps.

DEAR [KENDRA]: I have always had a difficult relationship with my siblings. I have befriended them and tried to do for them, but they are mean-spirited and selfish. My brother has also physically abused me. (He has been jailed several times for hitting his longtime girlfriend.)

When I turned 40 this year, I finally decided that enough is enough. My psychiatrist, my husband and my friends agree that it’s time for me to set boundaries and end these toxic relationships. I feel good about my decision.

The problem is that my parents do not. They feel my two daughters, ages 4 1/2 and 20 months, should have a relationship with their aunt and uncle even if I don’t. They accuse me of “brainwashing” my children and insist that my girls be allowed to see my siblings regularly and “make up their own minds” on the subject. I say it is my responsibility to protect my daughters and that my decision should be respected.

Last weekend, when my older daughter was visiting my folks, they invited my brother to visit. They knew this was against my wishes and did it behind my back. Naturally, my daughter told me about it. Moreover, whenever my daughter visits them, they put her on the phone with my siblings and try to forge a relationship between them. Because of all this, I told my folks they may have only supervised visits with my children. Do you think this was going too far? — KAREN IN ATLANTA

dear karen,

wow. this is a messy situation, innit?

don’t play games with your parents. they seem to be forgiving, perhaps to the point of enabling, of your siblings, but that doesn’t mean you have to. it also doesn’t mean you have to put up with their sneaking around and their guilt trips when it comes to your kids.

your parents raised you and your siblings. you might be all right (i don’t really know you though), but if you want to cut off contact with your siblings, you’ll have to be firmer with your parents and perhaps cut off contact with them. it’ll suck, but you’ll get over it.

i hope this helps.

Technorati Tags: free advice, relationships, marriage, family

i’m so tired this week and i’m tired of people saying it’s from the cancer. it’s not directly from the cancer, it’s from me trying to party like i used to when i drank copious amounts of booze and didn’t have to be at work at 8:00am, which is probably due to the cancer. whatever. here’s your free advice. innit margo?

DEAR [KENDRA]: My husband of 15 years and I have encountered a situation and hope you can help. We moved our family about two hours away from our childhood homes this past year. Every time we visited, it was only for the day — until recently. “Trevor’s” older sister (her children are all grown) invited us to stay with our children in her home. Not a problem; we all get along fine. The problem for me was when my husband decided he wanted to have sex while staying overnight there.

I told him he could wait one night until we got home. I felt it would be rude and presumptuous to treat her home like a hotel. Trevor feels that it is a compliment to his sister that we would feel comfortable enough in her home to have sex; in fact, if we had married overnight guests, he would expect them to have sex in our home. After all (in his words), “Sex is what married people do.”

Anyway, at his sister’s I eventually fell asleep, but he complained the whole next day and was crabby, saying he couldn’t sleep, which was my fault because we didn’t have sex. Am I being a prude, as he says, or is he overstepping the bounds of being a good guest?

— PRUDISH OR SHY?

dear pos,

your husband sounds like a real great guy (in bed), but not such a great house guest to a prude like me. unless you’re tucked far away from the rest of the inhabitants, nobody wants to hear you having sex. seriously, even in your own home- nobody wants to hear you having sex. should i repeat it again?

i’m sorry your husband wants to pout about it, but you did everybody a favor. thanks. if he doesn’t understand it, that’s his problem- not your’s.

i hope this helps.

DEAR [KENDRA]: I am engaged to a wonderful man. He is kind, thoughtful and caring, but he has one giant flaw. He is the most passive-aggressive person I have ever met.

If I get mad at him, he won’t say a word; he’ll just sit and sulk. He refuses to fight, and I need to argue to clear the air. He also cries. A lot. All of this annoys me greatly, but I am more concerned about the future.

We plan on having kids, and I can’t see him being a strong father figure for our children. I don’t want them to grow up thinking that being a doormat is acceptable, or that they can walk all over their father. How do I get him to grow a spine so our future kids will have a good role model to look up to?

— TWO PEOPLE, ONE BACKBONE

dear tpob,

you can’t make people grow a spine, i wish you could. dealing with passive aggressive people can be a huge energy sink if you let it, which is really hard if you want to spend the rest of your life with that person.

you need to let him know firmly that it’s a potential deal breaker and that you want to work on it with him. couples’ therapy might be a nice neutral way to deal with it, but you need to figure out what’s the root of the behaviour and figure out constructive ways to work around it. no doubt the both of you will need to compromise, but do it for the future kiddies. or kick his crying butt to the curb.

i hope this helps.

Technorati Tags: free advice, relationships, sex, couples

it’s friday!!! hooray! i’m up early choking down my barium-sulfate “shake”, and i do mean choking down. this stuff is not too nasty, but it sneaks up. the smell is fake-sweet and totally reminds me of cough syrup i puked up 15 years ago. oh well. after my ct scan this morning, i’ll be a happy camper. first- i’ll get cake, then- i’ll go to work and eat my cake, then- i might have lunch with my kalx compadres, then- i should receive wii play and my new thinkpad! then i think i’m going to practice and go to costco to prepare for the cancer-vegan donut party, and when that’s all done jeff should be arriving to the east bay. see, that’s a good day, after i’m done choking this shake down.

but enough about my life, let’s look at the lives of others. and so, it’s some free advice. whoa, ellie!

DEAR [KENDRA]: I met a girl at work and wasn’t initially attracted to her, but over recent months we’ve gotten to know each other well.

Recently, she admitted to liking me, and I care for her as well. But she has a boyfriend and they live together. They’ve only been together for a year. I know she’s content with him, but she shows me affection. I’m a little confused as to what to do.

LOST AND CONFUSED

dear lost,

here’s what you do- forget her. she’s just looking for some attention and an ego boost, and nothing more. if she ditches her boyfriend, then that’d be a different story, but right now she’s not really on the market. she’s got you (correctly) pegged as a sucker. so don’t let her play you anymore, grow a spine, and move on. if that means looking for a new job, so be it.

i hope this helps.

DEAR [KENDRA]: I’ve been involved with an older man, for seven months; I’m 21, he’s 40. He’s successful and established. I’m still a struggling student and work part-time. He’s divorced with two young children. I fell in love with him.

He frequently said the age difference bothered him. I’d respond by saying it did not bother me. He treated me very well throughout the relationship. He tried to cut me loose once before, but came back, saying he’d made a mistake.

Suddenly, he stopped calling or answering my calls and text messages. Should I continue trying to contact him or should I just cut my losses and move on? I miss him.

HEARTBROKEN

dear heartbroken,

it sucks that your sugar daddy cut you off, but take his lead and move on. clearly he wasn’t comfortable in a relationship with somebody not necessarily so young, but at a different place in their life. it sounds like you pressured him into it, and made it hard for him to break it off easily, so he had to take a sort of back door approach. you’d think he’d be a little more mature about it, but he wasn’t. don’t go crazy, but move on!

i hope this helps.

DEAR [KENDRA]: I lost my best friend years ago when I moved away, and I’d like the chance to get to know him again. We’d dated for 18 months; that was six years ago. He has been with his girlfriend for four years. We remained in contact, but she’ll not let him have anything to do with me.

During their time together, I’ve slept with him about 20 times. So it’s understandable that she hates me. At one point his girlfriend and I planned to meet because she wanted to know all the times that I’d slept with or talked to him, but I backed out. He has made it obvious that he wants to stay with her. I know I’m not behaving properly. I deserve better then being his second best. She deserves better than a man who will cheat on her. And he needs to grow up.

So do I call her and see if she still wants to know everything? He’ll never tell her the truth. She deserves to know the truth to decide whether to stay with him.

FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS

dear friends,

sorry, but i stopped reading your letter after the whole you slept with him 20 times since he got with his girlfriend. you wonder why she doesn’t want any contact with you? because you actively messed up her relationship! you’re sad about losing a best friend? you shouldn’t have slept with him after he got together with another girl! you don’t deserve better than being second best, you chose that option by bedding a guy with a girlfriend. that’s the thing with “the other woman”, it doesn’t just happen. the hand of god doesn’t just come out of the sky and single you out, you make the choice. i’m sorry that you feel guilty about it, but you’ve earned.

don’t contact the girlfriend and move on. find somebody unattached.

i hope this helps.

Technorati Tags: free advice, relationships, barium sulfate