i know i skipped last week. i meant to do it saturday, but i didn’t. i’m sorry dad! last weekend was a festival of sickness and sloth with a little marine life for fun. i doubt this weekend will be quite as fun, because it’s only 2 days instead of three and it won’t involve a buck rodgers from saturn. (or will it? joe…?) i’m so bogged down with amateur cataloging at work that i don’t hae the time or energy to be witty. i guess it’s the blog’s loss, but i still can dish some free advice!

for jeff, because everything is gay (not in the perjorative sense, more in the ‘gays have had a hand in everything when you look at it’/'everything can be viewed through a gay frame, if you like’ sort of way) i’m taking on a queer edition of ask amy. you best respec’!

Dear [Kendra]: My husband and I have lived in our quiet suburban Denver neighborhood for six years.

About two years ago two young gay men moved in across the street. They’ve taken the ugliest, most run-down property in the neighborhood and remodeled and transformed it into the pride of the street.

When it snows, they shovel out my car and are friendly, yet they mostly keep to themselves.

Last month I went out to retrieve my newspaper and watched them kiss each other goodbye and embrace as they each left for work.

I was appalled that they would do something like that in plain view of everyone.

I was so disturbed that I spoke to my pastor. He encouraged me to draft a letter telling them how much we appreciate their help but asking them to refrain from that behavior in our neighborhood.

I did so and asked a few of our neighbors to sign it.

Since I delivered it, I’ve not been able to get them to even engage me in conversation.

I offer greetings but they’ve chosen to ignore me.

They have made it so uncomfortable for the other neighbors and me by not even acknowledging our presence.

How would you suggest we open communications with them and explain to them that we value their contributions to the neighborhood but will not tolerate watching unnatural and disturbing behavior.

– Wondering

dear wondering,

you like it when your gay neighbours do nice things for you like raise the surrounding property value of the street, shovel your snow, and act like friendly people in general, but you don’t like it when they act like a loving couple? your neighbourhood is full of a bunch of biggotted jerks and one nice gay couple who unfortunately found out too late that their neighbours suck.

think about it- what they did was perhaps a little shocking to your old fashioned ways, but it could have been worse. it’s not like they necked for 15 minutes or exchanged blow jobs in the front yard. they just did a small cheesey loving act that most couples engage in. oh, the humanity!

your response was a little over the top- creating some sort of neighbourhood kabale to confront the new undesirables. you shouldn’t be suprised by their reception of such a letter. you might want to get with the times and apologize for being so rude and accept that you overstepped your boundaries. you’re a rude small minded person. i hope you enjoy shoveling your own snow.

i hope this helps.

Dear [Kendra]: How do I tell my mother, who lectured me on table manners and politeness, that she is being rude when she calls on the phone and talks to me through a mouthful of food?

This is a woman who told me when I was a child that it was wrong to talk with food in your mouth. But just about every day Mom calls me while she crunches on pretzels, carrot sticks, potato chips, you name it.

Maybe she thinks that snacking on the phone doesn’t count as talking with food in your mouth.

I understand that she and I both have full-time jobs and limited free time, but I don’t think that is an excuse for calling with your mouth full.

I have tried to say, “Why don’t you call me back when you’re not eating?” or similar ploys, but she doesn’t take the hint.

We’re both adults. I’ve even tried mentioning, “You know, I had the most annoying phone call at work; the person was talking with food in his mouth.” She responds with, “Oh, I hate that,” but doesn’t realize that she is doing the same thing.

How do my siblings and I approach Mom on this subject? She just won’t take the hint!

– Tired of Chomping

dear tired,

you have my sympathies. i have a friend who does the same thing, and i ask her what she’s eating and tell her to call back when she’s done. then i hang up. i know that’s a bit drastic, but i don’t need somebody smacking carrots in my ear. it’s gross. i hate hearing myself chew, i even get annoyed by people near me eating, let alone over the phone. (seriously- if you ever have poor eating habbits in front of me, i might fly into rage and smite you. chewing with your mouth open is gross. smacking is gross. talking with food in your mouth is gross. it makes you remind me of a large pig.)

the point is, you need to be direct, though not condescending, and let her know she’s breached decency and is just gross- and a hypocrite since she claims to value table manners so much. don’t be flippant or rude about it (that’s how i got into a horrible argument when i was 13- i didn’t win), just matter of fact. hang up on her and hope she gets the hint.

ugh. i’m grossed out just thinking about your piggish mom. thanks for ruining my yoghurt.

i hope this helps.

i’m doing it on time! with little fanfare or anything fancy like that, it’s free advice! well… it’s not entirely on time. i was going to do it at work, but i got so bogged down with sending books to storage, helping patrons, and listening to punk rawk, that well.. it slipped by. tonight i’m staying home, feeling sorta sick, and cleaning up the aftermath of guinea pig pee from my jeans and the couch. filthy little thing.

anyhow… work it amy!

Dear [Kendra]: I have access to my college roommate’s computer. Sometimes I look at her e-mails, both sent and received. (She doesn’t know that I do this.)

Recently I came upon a derogatory remark that she made about me. How should I approach this with her? I am seething.

– Wondering

dear wondering,

you’re pissed off at your roommate for calling you a derogatory name, that you only found out about because you’ve been sneaking through her e-mails? hmmm… doesn’t sound like you have any moral high ground. if you want me to tell you that you have every right to be offended, then you’re an idiot.

your roommate probably wrote those things because she’s deeply irritated by your antics, such as your reading her e-mails and all. my advice? leave it alone and start thinking about new a housing situation. you obviously don’t respect her, so why should she respect you?

i hope this helps.

Dear [Kendra]: I am trying to justify other parents’ actions or lack of action regarding invitations to my son’s birthday party.

We sent invitations out 2 1/2 weeks or more in advance of the party with the RSVP clearly written on the invitation. Because we didn’t hear back from six out of 13 people Wednesday before the party, I placed a reminder note in each child’s box at school with our e-mail address added. Still no response.

One mother phoned twice stating that her son would love to attend, but they never showed up or phoned with explanation.

Is it too much to ask that people take the time to acknowledge an invitation to a child’s party? I had to deal with a child who thought his “friends” were attending his party. My only explanation to him is that you cannot rely on other people to make you happy — you’ll always be disappointed.

– Compassion Lacking in Oregon

dear lacking,

you’ve every right to be frustrated for the sake of being frustrated, but get off your moral high horse and stop warping your child to be as messed up and bitter as you.

i haven’t had to organise a child’s party, so i don’t know anything about thos egrand gestures to impress other parents and instill a false sense of entitlement. close to 50% return rate is pretty good in this era of bad manners, but you still shouldn’t leave it to kids to get messages to the parents. to really get your desired effect, talk to the parents directly. don’t get mad that the kids are kids and forget things. if you truly are such the control freak your letter makes you out to be, then you would have nagged the other parents into submission. try that next year.

please, stop imparting your issues onto your child. you might be lonely, but your kid’s not fucked up yet.

i hope this helps.

Dear [Kendra]: I am fed up with the number of people who invite me to “parties” that are actually sales presentations.

At these so-called parties, attendees are pressured to buy cookware, baskets, lingerie, makeup, jewelry, etc.

This trend is getting way out of hand.

Multilevel marketers are sending invitations to “Welcome `So-and-So’ to the Neighborhood” parties to sell cookware, or a “Going Away Party for Marilyn” to sell Tupperware.

Recently a committee member for an organization that I belong to invited me to a “meeting” at her house, and mentioned that she would also be selling her products that night.

What is the etiquette here? How do I reply that I would like to welcome the new neighbor (or attend the meeting) but that I don’t want to be pressured into buying yet another piece of overpriced jewelry or makeup?

Why don’t these people understand how rude they are being?

– Frustrated in Colorado

dear frustrated,

decline the invitations. it’s easy, simple, and will make everybody happy. catch them when they’re not doing business and be friendly then. hopefully they won’t be thick and get the hint that you’re not buying their plastic crap. if not, deal with the shame and ostracism.

you could always move.

i hope this helps.