sorry about skipping the advice train this past friday. work was hellish and bleak, what with no cookie hour and all. this morning is not as busy, but just as bleak. drinking tepid coffee from my california zephyr mug, trying not to think about pavement noise, reading about the man behind tarmac, and listening to the small faces. whatcha gonna do about it?
nothing.
Dear [Kendra],
My wife of five months has left me. One Sunday we were fine, and the next day she was gone. No call, no note, nothing. It has now been about a month, and she still won’t talk to me. We never had a fight or an argument, and all of our friends are as baffled as I am. Everyone tells me that I was a model husband, worked hard, was always supportive and loving. This is her second marriage. (Her first ended in divorce.) She is now 23, and I am 30. I wish I knew what went wrong. We dated for almost two years before marriage. Any advice?
—Heartbroken in So. Cal.
dear hisc,
here’s what went wrong- you married an immature 23 yeard old who’s well on her way to being a commitment-phobe, and you’re too stupid to notice. my advice? track her down, divorce her, and let it be that. she’s not marriage material and you need to be a better judge of character. i don’t really have anything else to say to the matter, other than it sucks.
i hope this helps.
Dear [Kendra],
I am seeing a man who I just can’t figure out. Let me tell you the whole story. I was engaged a couple of months ago to a man who I could not marry. I loved him, but it was not working out. After calling it off with him, I started seeing a man who I’ve had a crush on since the minute I met him. Things were good in the beginning; not perfect, but good. But he is divorced with two children, and he’s five years older than I am. (He is 28 and I am 23.) His children are 8 and 6, and while I know I am not ready to be a mother, I am willing to have them be part of my life because I want their father to be part of mine. The problem is that he is so distant. He refused to get a phone for the first four months we were seeing each other, and since he’s gotten one, he never answers it; he leaves it turned off. He also blows me off on the weekends without even a call to explain why he isn’t coming. He has done this for the past month. I am writing this as I wait for him again. When I tell him this isn’t acceptable, he apologizes and says it won’t happen again … but then it does. The other problem is I keep hearing that people are seeing him with his wife and kids in town, when he tells me he can’t stand the woman. I know I should stop seeing him, but when we are together it’s so good. In our four months together, I haven’t met his kids or any of his family. Should I confront him and give our “relationship” another try, or just dump him and move on?
—Beyond Blown Off
dear bbo,
two stupid 23 year olds in two letters! wow. as another stupid 23 year old, you make me feel like a genius. your new guy is giving you not just a royal runaround, but i don’t know if he’s really divorced. i’ll give him benefit of the doubt and assume he is, but that just makes you look even dumber. he’s brushing you off because he can. he’s probably using you for sex and to keep the bed warm when one of his other conquests can’t come out to play. keep it in your pants and move on.
i hope this helps.
Dear [Kendra],
Help! My housemate is nice. He’s oh-so-considerate, always asking if I’m okay, making me mint tea. And driving me insane. When I was interviewing people to share my spiffy flat, I was quite upfront about my expectations. I wasn’t looking for a friend, I was looking for someone who’ll pay the rent on time, clean up after himself, and basically do his own thing as I do mine. If we happened to get along, so much the better. My feeling is that the housemate (HM) is trying to close the essential gulf that must exist in flat-sharing situations and become my friend. Basically, I have enough friends. I don’t want to feel guilty because I don’t want to go out for dinner with HM, watch Desperate Housewives reruns with HM (a show I loathe), or spend hours hearing about HM’s boyfriend woes (we are both gay males). Did I mention that I don’t have any problems in strongly but politely defining my boundaries, but that he blithely ignores them? At first I thought it was a cultural thing: He is from an exuberant, outgoing North American country and I am a laconic, distrustful Australian. However tolerant I may be, I am almost at the end of my tether, Prudie. How can I handle this situation and have things the way I want them?
—Robert M.
dear rm,
your hm sounds like a chore and your are a bore- and arrogant bore at that. level with the hm, he sounds lonely, and let him know that you meant it when you put up those boundaries, stick to them, and kick him out if he doesn’t abide by them. then you can live alone and be the most self-obsessed bore in the world, that’s your key to happiness.
seriously, kick him out if you can’t stand it. i doubt he likes living with you as much as you think. maybe shared living isn’t for you. think about it.
i hope this helps.
Dear[Kendra],
My mom is a very caring woman, but … whenever she comes over, either to visit or to pick up my 12-year-old, she sticks her finger in my plants (checking for water), walks around my house (checking for cleanliness), etc. When I was growing up, my mom had a full-time job, but when it was time for dinner, she had a full table—meat, veggies, fruit, the ultimate dinner. Now that I am a mother, she often comments on the state of my house. I know she cares, but how do I tell her tactfully that I am independent, she raised me well, and I am OK?
—MCJ
dear mcj,
your mom is your mother, and that will never change. she is not so bad, it sounds, so lighten up. if she were watering the plants, cleaning your house, and making dinner (with snide comments as a garnish), then i’d feel sorry for you, but as it is there’s nothing really. you’re supposedly and adult, act like one.
i hope this helps.