the friday before christmas and i’m here at work. nobody else is, not even the jerk. allright, that’s quite cheesy enough. sorry. seriously nobody’s here, and it’s really annoying because i need to meet with people. oh well. i’m lazy and tired, so this is a half-assed free advice ala dear abby. remember free advice no.9, with the naked dad airing out his hemorrhoids? well here’s the readers’ responses:

DEAR [KENDRA]: The letter about the man who parades around naked in front of his daughters after his shower prompts my letter. His stated reason is he claims he’s hot and needs to air-dry his hemorrhoids. Well, my advice for him is to wrap a towel around his waist, go straight to his bedroom, shut the door and do his “airing” there. Then if he wants, he can stand on his head and air-dry them as long as he darn well pleases. When he’s done, he can get dressed and join the family. And if this doesn’t please him, send him to a shrink. — SIMPLE SOLUTION, TWIN FALLS, IDAHO

dear simple,

your solution won’t appeal to him because he can’t show his junk to his family. where’s the love in that? he does need to go to a shrink. heh heh. shrinkage.

i hope this helps.

DEAR [KENDRA]: My father also did that, and I turned out just fine. I’m female, 37, happily married with no emotional scars. Unless the wife has reason to think he’s a predator, she should relax. Americans — and I am one — are far too hung up on nudity. — BETTINA IN CROSSVILLE, TENN.

dear bettina,

you’re so enlightened, aren’t you? americans are hung up on nudity, and it’s fine. you go see some fat naked german geriatric and tell me other. america is a place you can get your kink on, just not near me.

i hope this helps.

DEAR [KENDRA]: Only people with dirty minds equate nudity (especially that of a family member) with sex. Those girls are probably so used to it by now they think nothing of it. I suspect this is a power struggle between the husband and wife, and it’s none of the mother-in-law’s business. — DISGUSTED IN CANADA

dear disgusted,

just because the girls are used to it doesn’t mean they like it. they probably roll their eyes and say, “oh boy, dad’s naked again. how nasty.” the mother-in-law shouldn’t be involved because it’s none of her damm business, but the dad is sick.

i hope this helps.

DEAR [KENDRA]: The father’s actions are criminal. He’s sexually abusing the eyes and emotions of those unwilling witnesses. The wife and mother-in-law should document the times and dates of these assaults. With that documentation they can force Dad into therapy long enough to root out the evil beginnings of this perverse behavior. — PSYCHOTHERAPIST FROM NEW JERSEY

dear psycho,

you just want more patients. stop being so greedy and preying on the ills of others.

i hope this helps.

DEAR [KENDRA]: I am European. For us, it is completely normal to see our parents naked. There is nothing abnormal or wrong about it. — YASMINE (U.S. AIR FORCE)

dear yasmine,

i think there’s a fine line and the dad’s close to crossing it. europeans can’t be trusted anyhow. they think acid wash jeans patched with three shades of brown corduroy and faux-hawk mullets are hip. they’re not.

i hope this helps.

DEAR [KENDRA]: I almost spewed my coffee when I saw the letter about the guy letting his hemorrhoids air-dry in front of his daughters. Can I say one word here? Bathrobe! — PAUL IN FAIRBORN, OHIO

dear paul,

spewing coffee is lame and a waste of coffee. you’re right though, dad needs a robe and some prerparation h.

i hope this helps.

DEAR [KENDRA]: You should have advised “Disgusted” to tell her daughter to try once more to calmly and intelligently reason with her husband. And if that doesn’t do the trick, the daughter should inform her mother-in-law about his behavior. One call from his mother, and I’ll bet the practice would stop! — VIVIAN IN MASSACHUSETTS

dear vivian,

ohh, that might work. but it also could backfire. what if he learned it from her? then she’d be upset, and then there’d be a war of the moms, and nothing good will happen. i say public humiliation with coworkers.

i hope this helps.

DEAR [KENDRA]: I’d get a video camera and film him without his knowledge. Then, when his family comes to visit over the holidays, I’d announce that I have a “special home video” to show. Maybe when everyone has seen him like that, her husband will make an appointment with a surgeon to have those hemorrhoids removed. — BERNIE IN AYLETT, VA.

dear bernie,

you have the best solution so far. nothing gets people to stop being weird jerks than gran humiliation. i know it’s worked with me.

hope your rhoids are better.

i hope this helps.

DEAR [KENDRA]: I had a similar problem with my husband and son. Every night they’d come to the dinner table and eat their meal shirtless. Finally, I decided I’d had enough — so I calmly took off my shirt and proceeded to eat my meal. (They got the message!) — DAWNELLE IN ALTUS, OKLA.

dear dawnelle,

you live in a trailer, i’m guessing. good thing you lerned your boys some manners. kudos!

i hope this helps.

so it’s monday, and free advice is coming out a little late. i could try to explain why this is, but what’s the point? friday was nothing but work obligations, and i didn’t even get dressed this weekend, instead lounging around in a sort of puke like state in my pajamas. tres chic. but that’s over, for here comes last week’s free advice straight outta chicago… ask amy…

Dear[Kendra]: A good friend called me and broke down in tears because of her oldest daughter. She whispered, “We found out she’s smoking pot!” More sobbing followed.

[Kendra], she was overreacting!

Years ago, when her daughter was 2 (she’s almost 15 now), this friend and her husband were our neighbors. We were all pot smokers. We were not parents of the year, but because being parents came to mean more to us than anything else, we changed our behavior (except for my ex-husband, hence the “ex”).

My friend’s hysterics didn’t seem warranted. I felt she was being hypocritical.

That was my initial reaction, but now I’m wondering. My daughter is almost 12 and has been through drug-awareness education at school. I keep tabs on her, but I’m a realist.

Odds are, someone will offer her booze or pot or some equivalent. We’ve discussed drug and alcohol use (she’s aware that her father has a problem with alcohol), and I honestly believe she will refuse such an offer. But you never know.

How much of my own experiences do I share? And then, if I share, how do I rebut the inevitable argument, “You did it; why can’t I?”

How do I use the truth to help, and not hurt, her?

–Potsticker

dear potsticker,

hypocrites really piss me off. you hung out with people who smoked a lot even though they had a kid, but realised you were above it when your kid came around? i think that’s right. i was just checking.

you do have a realistic view when it comes to your daughter and drug use, and you need to keep the communication open with her. you might get lucky, and she’ll be straight edge. you could also end up with a junkie, but who knows.

parents who become morally indignant when they find out their kids are using (when they have) are concerned for their kids, and don’t want them to make the same mistakes they did. they’re also ignoring the fact that they’re hypocrites and that their methodology isn’t really convincing. there has to be a balance between being permissive and overbearing. kids shouldn’t really be pot-heads (neither should adults), and let them understand why they shouldn’t- they’re young and need to finish growing.

when kids are using it’s not the end of the world. it’s the end of turning a blind eye, but there’s still time to let them know it’s not the time to do stupid things like that.

all this could be taken too far, and you could be a family that uses together. yeah… “mom, could i borrow your razor and mirror? i left mine in the car.” “dad, where’s the bong?” “grandpa, do you have a clean needle?” that all sounds pretty sick. some people see lighting up as a family bonding experience. i call them hippies and they should be avoided.

your friend sounds like a “reformed” hippie who now where polar fleece and drives a volvo. she’s scum.

don’t be bitchy and keep it real. own up to your hippie days and remind her how lame they are. hopefully you have a stoned uncle to reference.

i hope this helps.

Dear [Kendra]: I am in a wonderful relationship with a guy. We have an “unofficial” (by standard terms, though to us, it’s “real”) boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. We’ve never exchanged any “let’s be official” words, and when someone asks, I don’t know what to say!

To everyone, including ourselves, we’re boyfriend and girlfriend. I don’t want to give anyone the wrong idea by answering either way if I’m asked if we’re “official.”

What’s worse is when people ask “how many months,” I don’t know how to answer.

How can I answer these questions without embarrassing myself?

– An (Un)Official Relationship

dear an,

do you want to be official? writing to me makes me think you do. if that’s the case, ask your boyfriend for clarification. if you don’t want to, for fear or upsetting the apple cart, it’ll never be “official”. hopefully this is a young relationship, within the first 6 months when things like this are expected. if not, you both are suckers.

i hope this helps.