Tagged: introspection

taking risks and doing stuff

hello, little neglected blog. i figured out why i’m neglecting you… it’s me, not you. i’m trying to not be such a shut in, which means i’m not tied to the laptop so much.

see, i’ve decided i need to not only get out more, but be less concerned with with what other think of me and just do stuff. it’s obvious advice, right? the sort of thing that when somebody tells you when you say, “oh, relax and just be yourself” or “everybody’s so worried about themselves, why should you be?” and of course when somebody says that you just roll your eyes and keep stressing about yourself? well… i’m trying to stop doing that. it’s been a slow process because change is hard and i don’t want to do too much and then retreat back into my cave.

so what’s happened?

graduating from school has been great. not having to worry about assignments or class participation has created a lot of free time. this wasn’t really noticeable until mid-march because of work stuff, but really, it’s nice having evenings and weekends free-ish. i’m not as stressed as i was last year.

i have my health. it’s always weird when people ask me “how’s your health?” it’s a loaded question. what they’re really asking is “you don’t have cancer or some other life threatening disease, do you?” well, the answer is i feel good! yeah i’m out of shape, but i’m not as tired all the time. the most obnoxious thing is still being weak from the mastectomy, but that’s just something that i have to deal with for the rest of my life. but i feel dandy.

so these two things have made it easier for me to just go out and do stuff. or try things. i’m knitting again. i’m actually reading books. and today i started playing soccer. see, it’s progress.

overall, i feel like i know what i’m doing. not in a huge sense with a grand plan, but i’m trying.

why haven’t i been blogging?

Stephen Abram and Kendra, originally uploaded by newrambler.

i’ve been too busy with other things – like school, work, and going to conferences. see that? that’s me at internet librarian 2008 making a fool of myself with the outgoing president of SLA, stephen abram. despite trying to be more professional, such as getting more involved with SLA, i still can’t stop dancing like an idiot.

feeling all grown up

i’m not quite a full fledged adult yet, but i’m feeling like it. as larry has written about extensively, this weekend is the insubordination fest. i bought tickets but can’t really afford going to baltimore for it. why? well, for one thing spending almost a grand just to see a sweet baby reunion seems a bit irresponsible. i also have been consumed with school (i need to graduated in december) and work. see… i’m going to have a new position soon which means more responsibility and more chaos- which also means more work right now. after going to seattle for the conference last week, i really can’t take any more time off. it sucks.

so as much as 16 year old kendra would sell a kidney to go see sweet baby, 26 year old kendra just wants to have a job and not be a jerk.

sad. i feel old.

fucked up on life

not really. i just feel sort of good today and that song is in my head.

the show friday night was good and all my fears and anxieties disappeared when we got to the venue. i joked to mimi that it would the be closest thing i’d have to a high school reunion- and i ran into a number of people i hadn’t seen since they left mira loma. it was weird how many people said, “i knew you’d be coming.” people i haven’t talked to in five or more years. yeah, me showing up to a hi-fives show isn’t that surprising, but it was weird how many (10+) people knew i’d be there.

other points of the night:

  • driving in rain boots ala the smugglers is hard.
  • kids still love mtx.
  • it’s weird seeing how “the punks” get old- we all started in similar places and then diverged from there.
  • i felt dumb for standing front and centre for the hi-fives, but i also knew i’d be kicking myself in the ass if i didn’t.
  • the girl standing next to me kept asking for “andorra” during their set. i didn’t recognize her, but clearly she got her denery brothers confused. i was tempted to correct her, but that would be pedantic.
  • it was weird how many people knew i had cancer and how many people didn’t. i didn’t expect more than a handful of people to know, but random people kept asking me how i was feeling.
  • people who work in libraries are cool.
  • there were some notable absences of people i would have like to have seen. there were also surprising absence from people i was planning to avoid.
  • at 25- i’m not really old, but it is weird to reminisce about life 10 years ago. i may not have gotten much taller in the past 13 years, but i’m a better person.
  • herr doktor doktor doktor professor doktor doktor kommisar doktor frank gives really good pep talks and should consider a career in motivational speaking for “the punks”.
  • john’s still got the jokes. he should send ’em to laffy taffy (or is that his secret?).

that’s all i can think of now. mimi was making fun of me for being so excited/nervous before the hi-fives played but she totally understood after the set. i’m going to start re-doing the hi-fives site because it’s fugly and css is in.

that’s all. i gotta get ready for rock band with elbert and mimi.

i’m my own person

there’s a big brouha over at metatalk about anti-semitism and jewish identity. the question that sparked this debate was about a slumlord in brooklyn who happens to be hasidic. there’s really nothing new, but it did bring up some weird issues for me and my last name.

levine – it’s a jewish name. it’s root is levi, one of the 12 tribes of israel. am i jewish? hardly. my dad’s dad was jewish, but by all accounts he pretty much renounced the religion. my dad wasn’t raised jewish, his mom was secular. my mom’s catholic, so by all accounts i’m definitely not jewish, but i have the name. i know my brother has struggled with this identity in the past, and has flirted with conversion, but i never really thought about it. the thing is, i know for most people i’m no jewish. i don’t pretend to be, but i also can’t escape the last name because it’s part of my family history, for what little that’s worth. every so often somebdoy seems surprised when they find out i’m not really jewish, and then get sort of mean about it like i tried to pull a fast one. they’re just sensitive and looking for trouble.

i’m not saying i don’t find my family’s past to be interesting, it’s just not terribly important to me in my day to day function. i don’t think having a jewish grandfather i never met, or a walloniangradnmother defines me. i won’t even pretend to be croation even though that is one part of my family’s ethnicity that is clear and obvious. (klepic- it’s my middle name.) it’s weird because i keep hearing people being proud of their ancestor’s nationalities, but i can’t feel that same sense of pride. i am proud to be from carmichael. i am proud to have lots of strong and vibrant characters in my family. (my dad’s mom in particular has always been somebody i’ve worked imitating in ways.)

my brother has described me as a self-loathing jew (somewhat in jest), but i would contest it’s not true because i’m not jewish. i’m not german, nor dutch, nor croation. i’m californian and then american, because i think that’s impacted me more than anything else.


i guess it makes sense that i haven’t blogged much since maude died. there’s not been much to say or i’ve been feeling really out of sorts. this past quarter of school was really tiresome and i think it’s setting in that i’m becoming an adult with very little to look forward to. a year ago, i was watching phoenix nights and eagerly thinking about driving to hillsborough to see sheff weds lose to hull city. now i’m sitting in berkeley folding clothes and moaning about sheff weds losing to hull city. see, not much progress.

i realise i stopped talking about library stuff here because i mentally shove it to library attack, which hasn’t really done anything. i’m considering making a new blog for football, but only because 3/4 of my readers don’t like/understand the beautiful game. i also want to plan something good to look forward too, in addition to the hi-fives show at the end of the month. nothing lame like graduating. i’m contemplating getting more involved in breast cancer stuff, even though most of it rubs me the wrong way.

to end off the year, i’m going to get ready by laying on the cancer couch and maybe playing rock band with elbert and mimi. tomorrow, roboejoe and i are driving to carmichael to see the family, visit maude’s grave, and remember why i love the 95608. (christmas in illinois inspired me to start penning a response to “straight outta carmichael”- “stuck in bloomingdale”- which is really an ode to the unincorporated part of the county of my youth.

grade dullard

i just got my grades for the quarter- they were completely respectable and not as bad i thought they would be. one of my graduating classmates just posted her grades from her entire transcript at drexel on her blog, and it struck me as odd. her blog is a quasi-professional blog in that she focuses on aspects of the library profession, not her personal life. i suppose library school grades fall under that scope, but it also seems tacky to me. i have complained about grade greedy people in the past, but i think i should add grade dullards to the list of annoyances as well. i feel sort of grinch like for saying that, because grade dullards are usually benign and just giving you an update and not trying to boast too much. but it also seems like posting your income or waving your dick out in public- too much information only done by arrogant people.

it’s like that for people who want to tell you about their school in too much detail. not just the relatable items- my group sucks, my professor did this, and so on- but going into detail about the material. i feel bad when i think i’m treading into that territory. i wouldn’t talk about networking with people who didn’t know anything about it, nor have i graced non-library folk with my deep thoughts about controlled vocabularies and taxonomies. (i love you all too much.) the people who would do those things are the same people who would be grade dullards. i’d like to say to them, “your enthusiasm is great, but you sound like a dullard and most people don’t care.” that’s not very nice, i suppose. (if i’m being a dull arse about library stuff, tell me to knock it off.)

i know my dad still wants to know my transcript from cal, but that won’t happen. i hate telling people my grades. i hate people telling me their grades, unless i ask.

[tags]grades, students, arrogance, narcissism[/tags]